peregrintoolc:

I’m thankful for all the different ways I can eat potatoes

(Source: billycraplan, via reeducation-in-the-dog-park)

only-true-love-can-thaw-a-heart:

rlyhigh:

saevuswinds:

vardaesque:

you don’t understand i would sell my firstborn to know how this story started

Well it all started when Mrs. Hayfer wanted me to babysit her dumb house. When I got the keys, I sat them on top of this pie that I found on the counter. I knew it was going to be given to the family for desert if I didn’t eat it soon, so I was going to plan to eat it in my teacher’s house and dump all the crumbs on her bed. So it’s a win-win, right? Besides, she wouldn’t find out about the crumbs until after I was paid, and this teacher hates me anyway. Then, I got distracted when this hot cheerleader calls me, asking about what movie I’d recommend, but before I could answer, I realize that my mom would be there any second to serve dinner, and there was no way I was sharing that pie. So I bust out of there with the pie and the keys, and the moment I get in the house, I start chowing down on the pie with my bare hands, trying to eat this thing before anyone knows I took it, right? Well, since the pie crust was dry, I chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda whenever my throat would get dry and eventually, I really needed “to go.” Only when I went to flush, the water wouldn’t stop flowing and there was no plunger to be found. Usually I’d just shrug and say it was Josh’s fault or something, but let’s get real here, Mrs. Hayfer would’ve blamed me about her toilet overflowing if I was 30 states away. So I jammed my foot in there, hoping it’d make the toilet stop flushing. Then my phone rings, and I knew it was my mom, asking where her pie went, and because Meghan decided it’d be a great idea to make my ring tone a bunch of cats meowing, Mrs. Hayfer’s dog, Tiberius starts freaking out, bashing into the door over and over again. Now anyone who knows this dog knows that this dog will happily eat anything, and that includes the pie, and probably myself.  So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out, the dog’s having a seizure and I still got half a pie left. 

i feel it necessary to reblog since i just read that whole thing


The person who made up the story’s bio says someone owes me their first born child.

only-true-love-can-thaw-a-heart:

rlyhigh:

saevuswinds:

vardaesque:

you don’t understand i would sell my firstborn to know how this story started

Well it all started when Mrs. Hayfer wanted me to babysit her dumb house. When I got the keys, I sat them on top of this pie that I found on the counter. I knew it was going to be given to the family for desert if I didn’t eat it soon, so I was going to plan to eat it in my teacher’s house and dump all the crumbs on her bed. So it’s a win-win, right? Besides, she wouldn’t find out about the crumbs until after I was paid, and this teacher hates me anyway. Then, I got distracted when this hot cheerleader calls me, asking about what movie I’d recommend, but before I could answer, I realize that my mom would be there any second to serve dinner, and there was no way I was sharing that pie. So I bust out of there with the pie and the keys, and the moment I get in the house, I start chowing down on the pie with my bare hands, trying to eat this thing before anyone knows I took it, right? Well, since the pie crust was dry, I chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda whenever my throat would get dry and eventually, I really needed “to go.” Only when I went to flush, the water wouldn’t stop flowing and there was no plunger to be found. Usually I’d just shrug and say it was Josh’s fault or something, but let’s get real here, Mrs. Hayfer would’ve blamed me about her toilet overflowing if I was 30 states away. So I jammed my foot in there, hoping it’d make the toilet stop flushing. Then my phone rings, and I knew it was my mom, asking where her pie went, and because Meghan decided it’d be a great idea to make my ring tone a bunch of cats meowing, Mrs. Hayfer’s dog, Tiberius starts freaking out, bashing into the door over and over again. Now anyone who knows this dog knows that this dog will happily eat anything, and that includes the pie, and probably myself.  So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out, the dog’s having a seizure and I still got half a pie left. 

i feel it necessary to reblog since i just read that whole thing

The person who made up the story’s bio says someone owes me their first born child.

(Source: abadeerzs, via castielangelofthetrenchcoats)

jesseplnkmvn:

today i was in hot topic with my mom and there was a bra with Simba on it so I asked her “want a lion king bra?” she said “why would i?” so I put it in front of my chest and said “hakuna ma tatas” she had to leave the store she was laughing so hard.

(Source: markkruffalo, via the-bookkeepers)

I’ve discovered there’s a lot you can do inside haunted houses.

fictionalfeather:

For example, you can:

  • be in a shampoo commercial

image

  • start a boy band:

image

  • spot some choice booty:

image

  • break into song:

image

  • see some people in frankly offensive outfits:

image

  • attend a metal show:

image

  • listen to some sick jams:

image

  • discover zombieism:

image

  • sample some tasty snacks:

image

  • watch someone get burned bad:

image

  • find something you really like:

image

  • find something you really, really like:

image

  • find something you REALLY REALLY LIKE:

image

  • and wonder if you left the stove on:

image

(via thewinchesterswagger)

paintdeath:

boys with dark hair and a deep voice need to stop ruining my life

(via thebellsofsaintclara)

agent-of-fandom:

mamalaz:

Avengers Actually Assembled

A world where film studio rights don’t exist and all of Marvel exists as one place.

(via littlepixie909)

capitalistpropaganda:

listen, son. if there was really a monster in your closet this would be a huge new discovery. honestly you getting mauled would be pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things if you think about it

(via urbanclictionary)

purradox:

tomthebluellama:

hellarat:

madmaninachair:

Do you ever memorize a person’s voice? Like you can construct a sentence in your mind that that person’s never said, and yet you hear them say it.

Is that a thing people can do?????????

yea 

there are people that cant do that??????????

(via destielandcats)

ethelreds:

people who unironically use multiple exclamation points in texts are the cutest fucking thing omfg.   even mundane things are made cuter like “just got on the bus!!!! will be home soon!!!”   like yeAH UR ON THE BUS U BIG CUTIE.  I WILL SEE U AT HOME.  LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET.   

(via x-wolverine)

fischotterchen:

do u ever look through the pictures you have of your favorite character like

image

(via trieduntrue)

dealanexmachina:

miketysonismahomegurl:

has anyone posted this yet because this is pure gold

Thank you, Matilda.

dealanexmachina:

miketysonismahomegurl:

has anyone posted this yet because this is pure gold

Thank you, Matilda.

(via castielangelofthetrenchcoats)